Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Fish!

October 20, 2007

Oh yes! Thats the fateful day Nalini, in a spurt of love and affection, (Poo, I love you!) gifted me a fish tank with FOUR "gold"fish. (I wonder if she put the gold connect when she got them for me anyways).

When the fish came to the surface gasping for air, I was so frigging scared. I felt like I was almost losing my C&H collection. (HAHA! Yes, I have the original hardbound collection of three heavy books that I prop open on my legs and run my fingers over the smooth glossy paper). Big Huge Ouch! I got a filter, a thermal shit and a cool light cover for the tank.

The fish din't make it. One of them just listed, flipped, the stomach bloated and it floated the next day Dead! I buried it in the flower bed below my apartment. Stuck a tooth-pick on the grave and hummed a dirge.

The rest followed in its wake. And all the 32 fishes (I obviously din't put 32 of them in one go into the tank. It was in batches of 4-6). One by one I flushed each one of them, sans the one I buried, through the toilet seat. Despite extensive googling, expert advice from ex-fellow fish keepers, aquarists I couldn't establish what was killing my fishes. I am sure you'd beg to differ.

Now, why 32 fishes?

a) My mom wanted to get back a good ROI. She sponsored the paraphernalia which were supposed to help the fish survive.
b)Storing a fish tank made if glass is a tad more difficult than putting fishes into the tank, netting them and flushing them down the toilet seat.


There are two important things I learnt.

a. Fishes are boring. They don't even mutate after you put blue and green colored solutions into the tank.

b. NEVER FUCKING EVER GIFT YOUR FRIEND A FISH!

For all those of you who've missed my fishes

@Poo: The fishes aint lonely in fishy-hell anymore.

@Deepu: I've a strong intuition the first lot of my four fishes committed suicide rather than face social abuse because of their christened names. You christened them Laka Laka Laka.

@Monish: Don't overfeed your fishes and make them lazy and fat. Mine almost reached critical mass stage the first day you fed them. I had to starve them to get them back into shape.

@Viv: The fish wasn't as smart as you attributed it to be. It saw straight through you.

@Manish: A lonely fish in a bowl is a bad idea.

@Nisha: Fishes (male/female) didn't give you kissies. You misread the signs. They were only sucking air. Yeah humans might do that while smooching but no! my fishes weren't giving you flying kisses. NO!

@Appu: Don't ever think of Apollo fish. The threat still hangs.

@Nalini: I realise the whole idea of giving me the tank was for to me to store up memories and have something to remember you by while you were gone. But hey! you were there for the next birthday too. Lost purpose :)

@Hitesh: Pigeons or birds of any kind are bad enough. Watch Birds if you need convincing. I spotted similar signs in the pigeons who stare at me sitting on the window ledge.

P.S : Get me a Duck-Billed Platypus the next time. I ain't that bad with pets you know.

P.P.S : Is your fish voyeuring, eavesdropping or getting you know boring of sorts. My tank (aka the suicide booth)'s free. I charge 5 Rs. per fish. Death gauranteed. Nobody can ever trace it back to you because the cause is still a mystery.

Fishes are tweaky scums. Mine tried to converse with my mom. See what happened to them.

Call it intuitive. But I think I am gonna be eaten by a shark 32 degress off the coast of Miami :)

18 comments:

puneeth said...

uh did u narrate ur dreams to the fishes??? the must've got too excited and cudn't bear it.. :P
jokes apart losing a pet is very sad i lost my turtle too :( my sweet natkhat gaandu (yeah dats wat it was called) .. and guess wt we too had a burial ceremony for him..!

kash said...

Nice one swarna..
sad that all 32 fishes died..i guess u r using normal water..

kash said...

n ya i agree with puneeth..stop showing them the other side of swarna.."The wierdo" wid the wild imagination and ur stories made them go to hell i suppose..

hc said...

serious advice dont go swimming!!! the fish are out there to take revenge!!!And another thing the plural of fish is fish and not fishes :P ....the pigeons stare at u and then come lay eggs in my balcony..wads going on ?? hahaha

hc said...

apollo fish!! yummy!!!

Swarna said...

@ hitesh: Dear neighbor, how else would I fight my grim - the fish, if I don't swim. Also, fishes refers to several species or other taxonomic types, while fish (plural) is used to describe multiple individual animals.

I just radiate this warm raw physicality outta my balcony in the afternoons you know and the waves bounced off the AC, onto the ledge and hit the pigeons. And you know the rest just followed. I'll be careful the next time.

@tintin and kashyap: No, I donot converse with fishes. I try to talk to monkeys, lizards, humans but not fishes. They eavesdropped on my conversations. I am not to blame. You have survived my dreams.

nalini said...

Lol!! I thot of gifting you turtles this birthday.. but puneeth's making me reconsider my plans nw!!!

Swarna said...

Am I glad or what! I might start to completely believe in God!

Swarna said...

I am not commenting on the choice of name. Turtles aren't as smart as fishes. They are immune to social stigma and kewl syndromes

Satanputr said...

nice story.....nex time for ur birthday i will see if i can get u a new flush jus for the fishes...

Poornaa Venkatesan said...

You scared the lone fish Swarna... It remained eternally scared... Imagine how uncertain it would have felt when it was dying... You are the cause of its fear and its death and its going to return as your next birthday gift.

Time is running out honey. Say your prayers before the fish returns.

Poornaa Venkatesan said...

And... Just so they know...

I loved you all. You were great however you were. You brought life in flashes to the fish tank.

But again I never liked you as a night lamp. You did not serve the purpose. So I'm glad you are gone. Rest in peace.

But last lone fish... you can take your happy revenge.

kalitheja s said...

at least the FISH made u cerebrate about death for the first or else it could be have been worse than how u penned down or how u judged it.. swarna. so never blame it on the fish or urself!!

nisha said...

well.......... the fishes wouldnt have been kissing me but they liked me more then you all. why else did they follow my finger as i moved it on your tank? they knew their true master. they died due to the agony and pain they felt on having to live away from me.

sandy said...

a haunted fish tank hmmmmmm

sandy said...

but a fish tank is a pretty dumb gift i must say. Just think about it, you are getting older and you have to take care of 4 fishes. There is a long bridge between stupidity and dumbness and i must say nalini u hav crossed it successfully.

kalyan said...

"swarna" and "gold" fish...very fishy !!!
lol !! 32 sharks await u swarna.....

Sarkar said...

Interesting.. Disturbing.. Judging that we are going to become mates at college, it is worrying that death, albeit fishes is so closely associated with you.. However, I think I can see the light seeing the list of movies you have..